June 16 2013
Today was my grandmother's last funeral ritual. It would probably be the last time she would be wandering homes to homes for the last 49days. I hadn't dreamed of her since forever, and something in my mind had me really annoyed and upset that I asked her a question if she still loves me, but I didn't get the answer I wanted, you are the only one I told about, and I hope you'd still keep these between us. I was caught up reading a book that I've been wanting to read for quite some time now but I didn't spare the time to look for it, alas I could download it into my phone last night for convenience since I don't really like visiting the library on my own. Tonight, I was feeling nostalgic. It wasn't a good feeling to it while listening to my current favourite mixtape album whilst lying on my parents bed with my eyes close. It felt nice running impossible scenarios into my head, I was actually thinking about him and my birthday girlf today, making me feel happy for a brief moment until my brother had to snapped me out of it to get ready for the ritual. I was hopping mad at nothing. The anger was just escalating, and all I had to do was to remain silent throughout the whole ceremony so as to not slip anger remarks out of my tongue. Sitting at a corner staring at blank space trying to not think or feel, it was hard. I had to occupy my head for the time being so I went to get a book Angelology, I borrowed few weeks back. It helped a lot. And i was thinking about the thing that was mention.
I didn't understand why I didn't want to laugh while my little sister was being cheeky with my whole family and relatives. She was bringing laughters yet my aunt didn't want to come near me or talk to me as I was reading. I guess my aura was really bad. Afterwards it was time to burn the offerings, my
Brother got onto my nerves which kind of triggered my anger a little and afterwards we got into a little heated argument. I guess my emotional state being was utterly unstable. I hate myself for being like this but I can't help it, yet I like doing it because I can't do certain stuffs now.